I think I've forgotten how to write in this kind of context. I used to be able and always ready to tap out any old bullshit in my head or talk about my day and hit post -- public setting -- without a single second thought.

Now I've been looking at my open dreamwidth tab for like two months and thinking... but what?? like, what do I wanna say. What is so important I have to say it out loud for the whole internet (realistically maybe one person who idly clicked on the latest things page at most) to be able to see?

Nothing.

But also it was fun to just shitpost on my livejournal. I was mentally fucked up beyond recognition back then but I also felt like... I had a space outside of myself but still myself to just escape to.

There's not been much escapism on the internet for me for a few years. I consume to escape. I used to create and consume equally. Now I visit and drop by, look in on social media but I don't dare build my own home in these landscapes. I just wanna go look at people's aesthetic asmr comfy sponsored by houses on tiktok and youtube and pretend to live there for 2 to 45 minutes. I wanna listen to people talk about themselves and their thoughts because I'm lonely all day but I don't wanna share my thoughts because I think they're irrelevant to everything, even myself, yet... what does micro-influencer #34 wanna do for the next month? I don't care but I wanna hear it. I wanna hear about lives and maybe learn or take inspiration, and pretend I have a friend and we're at a coffee shop? Nahhhh more like I wanna be at a coffee shop listening into the people talking on the next table. I don't wanna make friends because that takes effort and considering someone other than myself but I want all the benefits of someone else's voice in my ear dropping funny or touching or boring or outrageous stories.

So.. if I care (sort of? not really?) about micro-influencer #34 why don't I care to let myself talk about my plans for the month? I write them privately, maybe drop a hint or two to close people but... ?????? Why not just shit that nonsense out onto the internet.

I'm in love with the old internet, more now maybe than I even was then -- I never imagined that it would be so shit online now, I thought it would get richer in content and life not become a billionaire's capitalist hellscape lollll. I want to connect this interest and passion for the old/personal web with who I am now and I'm not sure how to do that.

So that's why I'm talking shit into this textbox. Feels like trying sew something together but I don't remember how to sew. So clumsy and ugly but. I'm gonna hit Post because... well, why not. Who cares. Let's go.